Is there any way to find a peaceful and productive co-existence in our deeply divided society?
We thought things were contentious during the 2016 election – little did we realize how much it could escalate for 2020. Never doubt the idea that things can get worse!
Back in 2016, we were talking about how politics was disrupting society, as well as families and friends, who found themselves in different political camps. A pandemic, a Supreme Court judge change, and racial unrest has pushed us all even deeper into our positions, our lines in the sand. We are angry, frustrated, fearful, and looking for someone to blame. It doesn’t bring out the best in us as individuals or a society. We see disruptions, panic and chaos all around us.
Wouldn’t it be great to have a magic potion to settle everything down, to bring peace to our society and our relationships with family and friends?
I wish I had that, but what I can offer is the possibility, the hope, that there is a way to navigate through at least some of this.
Back then, my colleague, Mark Fowler and I presented a workshop called “Change Your Conversations – Change Your World – Tackling Global Challenges Begins with a Conversation” based on our book Revolutionary Conversations – the Tools You Need for the Success You Want.
Many of the attendees were politically active in the 2016 election campaign. It was an energized and active group of participants. During a break, one participant asked for some guidance to help her with a serious conflict she had with a friend over immigration. Their friendship of many years was beginning to fall apart. They were both willing to be coached through a conversation in front of the group based on the work we had done so far.
Their positions:
- Immigrants are essential to our country; they provide diversity and increase the labor pool; they should be welcomed with open arms.
- Immigrants are dangerous; they contribute nothing to our society; they live for free using our social benefits; they should not be allowed in the country.
The conversation started as many do with an intent to change the other’s point of view. Mark coached each of them about how to take a new tack. Instead of asking “why do you feel that way” which sounds aggressive and judgmental, he asked them to focus on understanding each other. He helped them turn their conversation from defending their positions to understanding how their life experiences shaped their opinions.
It took a little time applying the tools from the book, but they both hung in there, committed to working through the process. Everyone in the room was intensely connected to their conversation. As each person was finally able to express how and why they came to hold such strong convictions, we could see everything change between them. It was electric! This whole interactive process probably only took 15-20 minutes. Seeking to understand instead of to convince and convert made the magic happen.
They had returned to that peaceful, respectful relationship they had before. Neither changed their mind that day, but they had opened a door to understanding that would allow them to explore this topic. This new level of understanding made their friendship stronger than ever.
It would be hard to believe the turnaround if I had not been part of the experience. The point is that there is hope for individuals, families, communities, and society to connect; to move beyond the divisiveness of “my way or the highway.”
Just because people feel, believe, perceive things differently doesn’t mean we have to fall into the trap of thinking If You Are Not with Me, You Are Against Me!
You really can change the world by changing your conversations.
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REVOLUTIONARY CONVERSATIONS
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